more money than brains

Weird Weddings

2009-02-06T10:35:00.003-06:00

Today we move from tacky themed weddings, to just plain tacky weddings.
I know there are a lot of sites out there with dresses made for the sole purpose of being revealing and outrageous. I wanted to steer clear, since what's the fun in that? They've pretty much already written the commentary for you, too.

So here are some dresses I have found at various different company's sites-- all being sold seriously!

First: The waitress-bride!

Now, it's not outrageously horrendous, but it is really tacky looking and entirely inappropriate for a wedding. Any one of its features might be delightful on another dress, but all of these together make complete ICK. Short skirt? Check. Sheer top? Check. Tuxedo ruffles? Check. Dots? Check. Wide collar? Check. Flower at throat? Check. Hideous? Check. Also, who puts POCKETS on a wedding dress?

Next:

Holy cow! Her dress was so embarrassed by the look on her face that it is actually trying to escape off of her body-- unfortunately it has only succeeded in flying up off her legs, making her look like an ideal candidate for some anti-static cling spray. Now, that's a look to aspire to!

Next:

At first you may have wondered why this woman has such an awkward pose. On closer inspection you will realize that she is trying to cover up how ashamed she must feel for wearing a dress that is completely see-through.

Next:

Yes, that is actually being sold as a dress. Not a slip to go under your dress, but a dress. To be worn by itself. On its own. With nothing over it. I am not lying. The only possible explanation for it? Maybe she is really a superhero and she has to wear her underwear outside of her clothes.

Next:

Ah. The lucky bride who chooses this dress will not be like the last one-- in fact, this bride will not even get to wear underwear at all.

Next:

There's not much to say. I just feel sorry for the officiant, trying to perform the ceremony with, uh, that distraction.

Western Weddings

2008-09-05T20:05:00.019-05:00

To be fair, I have quite a few friends, who, if they would not actually have a western-themed wedding, might actually think about having one. Who knows-- I might soon end up at a wedding where the groomsmen all wear spurs, and where the guests sit on hay bales. I won't be too harsh in my judgment of cowboy nuptials.
But, I really can't find anything nice to say about these, uh, dresses.
First, the wedding dresses!

Yes, that IS denim...

Can you prosecute someone for indecent wearing of fringe in public?

"I like your sleeves, they're real see-through."

It is quite possible I've read too many of the Jurassic Park books... but this really looks to me as if a dinosaur with large talons, erm, got to her first. Ew.

Tacky, yet... tacky!

I'm beginning to wonder if there's money to be made writing a book entitled 'The Secret History of Fringe'. What is it about certain people and fringe?

Now, it has often been suggested that brides choose bridesmaid dresses that are ugly, so they'll make the bride look better. Applying that theory, you might be wondering, what kind of bridesmaid dresses would a bride wearing one of those dresses above choose?

Don't worry, I've done the research!

Did you think the words denim and sensuous don't go together? Well, you were right.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but make sure you have lots of fringe-- it attracts the gentlemen!

I saved the best for last!

I hope we have all learned a little lesson today... I'm not sure what lesson, but I am sure we have learned one.

So, see you later, pardner, and remember-- don't squat with your spurs on!

PS- I am not totally opposed to Western dresses. If you can wear them like the ladies in this video, then by all means go ahead, and tell me where you found them!

curse you, elves

2007-12-17T21:53:00.001-06:00

There are girls that are decent (hah!) at choosing dresses. They do ok... they don't look too skanky, too frumpy, and absolutely too stupid. That is, until they put their shoes on. To some girls, wearing a formal dress is just an excuse to put on some incredibly ugly chunky platform like shoes. I don't know why. It was never really fashionable. And even if it was, fashion is no excuse for this kind of idiocy. However, designers... are into idiocy, and they help perpetuate this look through the shoes they pair with their dresses for photo shoots:

and even the little girls get in on it. It's not cute then, either:

But it's a little better than what you usually see on here.

But I want BOTH Part 2

2007-06-20T11:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we looked at dresses that couldn't decide to be long or short and chose instead to be hideous. Today we are also looking at hideous dresses (surprise surprise!) but these dresses are mostly hideous because of...

MIXED PATTERNS.

One pattern is good. Another pattern is good. So both patterns together must be... gooder, right? Wrong.

Leopard print and rainbows!
(What kind of sick person wears BOTH of those ultra-tackies together?)

Look, on the left it starts with black on top, and on the right it starts with white! How cute!
(No. Not cute. It looks like your dress is a factory reject because it was sewn wrong.)

These two dresses... Well, if Cinderella had tried to patch together her gown after her stepsisters ripped it apart? I don't know. There's just no good excuse for these.

And last and certainly not least.. we have futuristic circles. And stripes. And animal pattern? Are those psychedelic donuts on the bodice?

But I want BOTH (Part 1)

2007-06-19T10:30:00.000-05:00

Today's dresses were created for the modern-day American: A person affluent (and stupid) enough to never have to deal with either/or, but who always gets both/and. Don't understand? Read on.

Short dresses are pretty. Long dresses are pretty. Why go for just the skanky short dress or just the slinky long one when you can wear both at the same time?

Now, I understand about varied-length skirts. Some of those can be really cute. But ladies, what ARE these monstrosities? Just wear a short dress or a long dress!

To begin

2007-06-18T11:58:00.000-05:00

Gentle reader asks what this lone internet page stands for.

I think the title of the blog speaks for itself. I am here to bring you the ugliest dresses available for purchase. The format may differ from post to post, but to this I hold true: I will seek out and show you the ugliest formal-wear. Thank you.

Recently we have seen a come-back of the short formal. This is quite understandable, because every time I get gussied-up, of course I want to wear an article of clothing that feels more like a t-shirt than a dress:

Bonus points if it comes in that most tasteful pattern; sparkly gold snake skin.

However, despite the delight most of us receive when we leave the house looking like we forgot to put on our skirt, for the more eccentric and old-fashioned among us, dress-makers have created dresses that have full skirts that still leave our thighs room to breathe:

Nothing beats the exciting feeling of wearing purple lettuce on your legs. But if you don't go in for the vegtable-tastic look, here's a dress that conveys the pleasant look of getting caught in the drapery on your way out:

Unfortunately, the Star Trek dog leash around the neck costs extra.

Now, for the classicist among us, here's a look that never goes out-- the flapper!

Dads, don't let your daughter go to prom without any fringe on her clothing!

But, if you are still looking for that oh-so-casual chic, I give you.... The Formal Bath Towel!!

too hideous for words

2007-06-14T11:33:00.001-05:00

What is that, you ask? It's quite simple... it's a prom dress for a girl with more money than brains, and less modesty than either.